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The All-New Muppet Show/Episode 113 transcript
Prologue: The Guest Star's Dressing Room Scooter: On Door 5 Times "(Guest Star's Name), oh, (Guest Star's Name), 16 2nds 'til curtain, Ms. (Guest Star's Last Name)." Guest Star: "Thanks a bunch, Scooter,I appreciate it." Scooter: "(Guest Star's 1st Name), who's that in the cage?" Guest Star: "That's my pet parrot, Samson, I'm keeping him in there so he doesn't fly out." Cut to Kermit appearing through The All-New Muppet Show logo......... Kermit: "It's The All-New Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Ms. Halle Berry, yaaaaay!" In Background Rowlf: On Piano Keys Music In Background Female Muppet friends: It's time to play the music it's time to light the lights it's time to meet the Muppets on The All-New Muppet Show tonight Male Muppet friends: it's time to put on make-up it's time to dress up right it's time to raise the curtain on The All-New Muppet Show tonight Waldorf: why do we always come here? Statler: I guess we'll never know Waldorf: it's like some kind of torture Statler and Waldorf: to have to watch the show Continues In Background Kermit: and now let's get things started Miss Piggy: why don't you get things started Kermit and Muppet friends: it's time to get things started '' ''on the most sensational '' ''inspirational celebrational Muppetational '' ''this is what we call The All-New Muppet Show.......... Bubbles Popping Scene 1: Onstage/the introduction Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, and welcome again to The All-New Muppet Show, that's right, tonight's a very special night for all of us 'cause tonight's guest star is Miss (Guest Star's Name), but 1st, we have an opening musical number." Scooter: "Hey, Kermit, just for you to know, (Guest Star's 1st Name)'s got Samson safe and secure in his cage." Kermit: "Oh good, Scooter, thanks a bunch for telling me that." Scooter: "You're welcome." Kermit: "Anyway, here's Fozzie, Gonzo, Rizzo and Walter for the opening musical number." Opening Musical Number: Can't Stop the Feeling In Background Fozzie: I got this feeling inside my bones it goes electric wavey when I turn it on Gonzo: all through my city all through my home we're flying up no ceiling when we're in our zone Rizzo: I got dat sunshine in my pocket got dat good soul in my feet I feel dat hot blood in my body when it drops I can't take my eyes up off it movin' so phenomenally room on lock de way we rock it so don't stop Walter: and under the lights '' ''when everything goes nowhere to hide '' ''when I'm getting you close when we move well you already know so just imagine Fozzie: just imagine Gonzo: just imagine Rizzo: Nodin' I can see but you when you dance, dance, dance Fozzie: a feeling good, good creeping up on you so just dance, dance, dance come on Rizzo: all dose things I shouldn't do but you dance, dance, dance Walter: and ain't nobody leaving soon '' ''so keep dancing Gonzo: I can't stop the feeling so just dance, dance, dance Fozzie: I can't stop the feeling so just dance, dance, dance '' ''come on Walter: oh it's something magical it's in the air it's in my blood '' ''it's rushing on I don't need no reason '' ''don't need control I fly so high '' ''no ceiling when I'm in my zone Rizzo: 'cause I got dat sunshine in my pocket got dat good soul in my feet I feel dat hot blood in my body '' ''when it drops I can't take my eyes up off it '' ''movin' so phenomenally room on lock '' ''de way we rock it so don't stop Gonzo: under the lights when everything goes nowhere to hide when I'm getting you close when we move well you already know so just imagine Rizzo: just imagine Walter: just imagine Fozzie: nothing I can see '' ''but you when you dance, dance, dance feeling good, good creeping up on you so just dance, dance, dance come on Walter: all those things I shouldn't do but you dance, dance, dance Rizzo: and ain't nobody leavin' soon '' ''so keep dancin' Gonzo: I can't stop the feeling so just dance, dance, dance Fozzie: I can't stop the feeling so just dance, dance, dance Rizzo: I can't stop de feelin' so just dance, dance, dance I can't stop de feelin' Walter: So keep dancing come on Rizzo: I can't stop de I can't stop de I can't stop de I can't stop de I can't stop de feelin' Fozzie: nothing I can see but you '' ''when you dance, dance, dance Gonzo: I can't stop the feeling Fozzie: feeling good, good creeping up on you so just dance, dance, dance come on Walter: I can't stop the feeling Rizzo: all dose dings I shouldn't do but you dance, dance, dance Gonzo: I can't stop the feeling Fozzie: and ain't nobody leaving soon so keep dancing Rizzo: "Everybody sing!" Gonzo: I can't stop the feeling Fozzie: got this feeling in my body Walter: I can't stop the feeling Rizzo: got dis feelin' in my body Fozzie: I can't stop the feeling Gonzo: wanna see you move your body Rizzo: I can't stop de feelin' Walter: got this feeling in my body Gonzo: "Break it down!" Rizzo: got dis feelin' in my body Walter: can't stop the feeling Fozzie: got this feeling in my body Rizzo: "come on!" Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony....... Waldorf: "So, Statler, have you ever moved your entire body before?" Statler: "Well, sort of, Waldorf, but I sometimes get heat sensitive." Waldorf: "Then you'll be burning like a candle lamp!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage....... Kermit: "Let's see what's next." Kermit looks right at the list. Kermit: "Oh, Bear on Patrol is next, Bear on Patrol is next onstage, everybody." Bear on Patrol sketch number: a broken soap dish Announcer: "And now, ridding the world of evil, here's Bear on Patrol." Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Alright, come this way, just a few more, perfect." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "What seems to be the trouble, Patrol Bear?" Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "This dog here, was cleaning the apartment's lavatory and broke a soap dish." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Oh I see, tell me your name, please." Rowlf: "I'm Rowlf the Dog and I was cleanin' the apartment's lavatory, but I didn't break that soap dish." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Let me check the guilty and innocent list." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob scans right through the innocent list and finds Rowlf's name written on there. Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Well, Rowlf, you're absolutely right, you're innocent after all, and just in that case, Patrol Bear, you can let him go right now." Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Yes, Officer Hogthrob, sir." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again........ Statler: "I wish I could've starred in a mystery detective movie." Waldorf: "And I wish I read more mystery detective books myself." Statler: "Another mystery crisis!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Talk Spot: Discussing about movie careers Kermit: "So, (Guest Star's 1st Name), tell me about your movie careers." Guest Star: "Well, Kermit, I starred in the live action movie version of The Flintstones back in 1994 as Sharon Stone, Executive Decision back in 1996 as Jean and the 2004 movie title character as Catwoman." Kermit: "Those sure are a lot of movies to go around, but I really enjoy your voice acting work as Cappy in Robots back in 2005." Guest Star: "Thanks a bunch, Kermit, you always remember those things." Kermit: "You're welcome." The Swedish Chef sketch number: Chocolate Mousse Cupcakes Swedish Chef: Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue, orn desh, dee born desh, de umn bork, bork, bork Swedish Chef: "Tuneeght, ve-a're-a mekeeng chuculete-a Muoosse-a coopcekes, yoommy guud, yuoo bet." Swedish Chef: "Furst, ve-a preheet zee oofee tu three-a hoondred und feeffty degrees fehrenheeet." The Swedish Chef preheats the oven to 350 degrees fahrenheit. Swedish Chef: "Next, ve-a get oooot oooor lerge-a und medeeoom meexing bools." The Swedish Chef gets out the large and medium mixing bowls and puts them right on his kitchen counter. Swedish Chef: "Furst, poot in oone-a und a helff coops ooff ell poorpuse-a fluoor in zee medeeoom meexing bool." The Swedish Chef puts 1 and 1/2 cups of all purpose flour in the medium mixing bowl. Swedish Chef: "Next, poot in three-a fuoort coops ooff cucua pooder." The Swedish Chef puts 3/4 cups of cocoa powder in the medium mixing bowl as well. Swedish Chef: "One-a teespuun ooff bekeeng suda." The Swedish Chef puts 1 teaspoon of baking soda in the medium mixing bowl as well. Swedish Chef: "One-a fuoort teespuun ooff selt." The Swedish Chef puts 1/4 teaspoon of salt in the mixing bowl as well. Swedish Chef: "Und noo ve-a meex up zee dry ingredeeents." The Swedish Chef mixes up the dry ingredients and sets the medium mixing bowl aside and puts the large mixing bowl in place. Swedish Chef: "Creck tvu lerge-a iggs in zee lerge-a meexing bool." The Swedish Chef cracks 2 large eggs in the large mixing bowl. Swedish Chef: "Poot oone-a und three-a fuoorths ooff grunooleted sooger." The Swedish Chef puts 1 and 3/4s of granulated sugar in the large mixing bowl as well. Swedish Chef: "Oone-a teespuun ooff funeella ixtrect." The Swedish Chef puts 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract in the large mixing bowl as well. Swedish Chef: "Lest boot nut leest, oone-a helff coop ooff fegeteble-a ooeel." The Swedish Chef puts 1/2 cup of vegetable oil in the large mixing bowl as well. Swedish Chef: "Noo ve-a teke-a zeem reeght oofer tu zee meexer und meex up oooor vet und dry ingredeeents." The Swedish Chef takes the wet and dry mixed ingredients right over to the mixer and puts them in there and mixes them all up. Swedish Chef: "Noo ve-a poot ieeghteee coopceke-a vreppers intu ieeghteee ooff zee hules in zee coopceke-a trey." The Swedish Chef puts 18 cupcake wrappers into 18 of the holes in the cupcake tray and puts the chocolate mousse cupcake mixture in the wrappers. Swedish Chef: "Noo ve-a beke-a zeem in zee oofee fur tventy fuoor meenootes." The Swedish Chef puts on his oven mitts and bakes the chocolate Mousse cupcakes for 24 minutes. Dings The Swedish Chef takes out the chocolate Mousse cupcakes, and later on, when they're cooled down, he puts chocolate Mousse frosting on them. Swedish Chef: "Und zeere-a yuoo hefe-a it, chuculete-a Muoosse-a coopcekes." The chocolate Mousse cupcakes come to life and begin tap dancing. Swedish Chef: "Vhet zee hey?" Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again......... Waldorf: "He sure is good at making those chocolate Mousse cupcakes." Statler: "Have you had 1 of those dessert treats before?" Waldorf: "Of course I did, and I even had a blueberry pop-tart myself." Statler: "Slow down on the snack sweets back there!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again....... Kermit: "Pigs in Space is next, Pigs in Space is next onstage, everybody." Pigs in Space sketch number: Hypno-Bot Announcer: "And now it's time for Pigs in Spaaaace, starring Captain Link Hogthrob, 1st Mate Piggy and the wise cracking scientific genius, Dr. Strangepork, where we last left our heroes aboard the Swine Trek." Link Hogthrob: "It sure is pretty boring around here." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Another day of Dr. Strangepork's crazy inventions." Dr. Strangepork: "Check out my new invention, you guys, it's the Hypno-Bot." Link Hogthrob: "What exactly does it do, Dr. Strangepork?" Dr. Strangepork: "With the push of the red button, you'll get hypnotized, and when I snap my fingers, you'll get un-hypnotized." Dr. Strangepork pushes the red button on the Hypno-Bot and it hypnotizes Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy and Link Hogthrob. Dr. Strangepork: "And now, you'll do aerobic exercises." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy and Link Hogthrob begin doing aerobic exercises. Link Hogthrob: "I don't think I can hold out much longer, 1st Mate Piggy." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Neither can I." Dr. Strangepork: Snapping Link Hogthrob: "What a relief." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Thank goodness." Announcer: "Will Dr. Strangepork ever keep up the good work? will 1st Mate Piggy ever get her good looks? does Link Hogthrob know about a space monster invasion? find out on the next exciting episode of Pigs in Spaaaace." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again....... Waldorf: "You know, Statler, I once watched a space documentary in my entire life." Statler: "Did it inolve with hypno-beams?" Waldorf: "No, but I did see a couple of UFO's myself lately." Statler: "Space in gaze!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again....... Kermit: "Mid-Day with Johnny Fiama is next, Mid-Day with Johnny Fiama is next onstage, everybody." Mid-Day with Johnny Fiama: Miss Piggy, Yolanda and Denise as the guests Johnny: "Good evening, everybody, I'm Johnny Fiama, and this is my monkey sidekick and partner, Sal Minella." Sal: "Nice to meet you, everybody." Johnny: "Now tonight, we have 3 very special guests for the interview: Piggy, Yolanda and Denise." Miss Piggy: "It's wonderful to see all of you out there." Yolanda: "Sure is." Denise: "What a lovely evening this is turning out to be." Johnny: "So tell us about your 1 true loves." Miss Piggy: "Well, Johnny, Kermit's my brave and heroic knight in shining armor, he's always there for me whenever I need his help." Johnny: "Good, very good, how 'bout you, Yolanda?" Yolanda: "Rizzo and I share the exact same snack foods and treasures with 1 another, we got everything in common." Johnny: "Nice, very nice, and how 'bout you, Denise?" Denise: "Well, ever since I broke up with Kermit, I began falling in love with Link and he and I have the exact same personality." Johnny: "Very good, well, that's all the time we have left for tonight, so join us next time on Mid-Day With Johnny Fiama, which of course is me." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again........ Waldorf: "This sketch reminds me of a Saturday Night Live interview." Statler: "Did you get hypnotized by it?" Waldorf: "No, I sort of fell asleep watching it." Statler: "You must've been bored stiff!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again....... Kermit: "Veterinarian's Hospital is next, Veterinarian's Hospital is next onstage, everybody." Veterinarian's Hospital sketch number: The Swedish Chef as the patient Announcer: "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack whose gone to the dogs." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "And so I was playin' Frisbee outside in the park, when suddenly, my blue Frisbee hit a rock and startled a little green cricket on there, it was a chirpin' riot." Janice/Nurse Janice: "Oh, Dr. Bob, you and your insect jokes." Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "So who's the patient this time, Dr. Bob?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Behold, observe and watch." Rowlf/Dr. Bob pulls back the corner of the green quilt to reveal the Swedish Chef as their patient. Swedish Chef: "Vhet's gueeng oon eruoond here-a?" Janice/Nurse Janice: "Oh my word, Tim, like, what happened to you here?" Swedish Chef: "I gut zeese-a eches und peeens in my shuoolders und zeey're-a sooper peeenffool." Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "Well, Tim, that's you all over." Announcer: "Will Nurse Piggy ever be put on a magazine cover? will Dr. Bob ever keep up with his patients? will Nurse Janice ever join a club meeting? tune in next week when you hear Nurse Piggy say-" Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "So, Dr. Bob, any word of advice for this patient?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well, Nurse Piggy, I think he needs to take some relief pills." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again...... Waldorf: "I once had aches and pains in my shoulders before in my entire life." Statler: "And I once twisted my right ankle as well." Waldorf: "Good thing we had to keep our medical bills paid up." Statler: As if!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again......... Kermit: "Muppet Labs is next, Muppet Labs is next onstage, everybody." Muppet Labs sketch number: Tarantula and Scorpion Detector Ticking [Muppet Labs Theme Music In Background] Bunsen: "Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today, that's right, we're testing out our new invention: the Tarantula and Scorpion Detector." (Brief Pause) Bunsen: "Have you always had a fear of tarantulas and scorpions attacking you? well, the Tarantula and Scorpion Detector is just the thing, which of course my faithul assistant, Beaker, will demonstrate, (he notices Beaker standing by.) come right over here, Beaker." Beaker walks right over to the science lab tables. Bunsen: "Now, Beaker, flip the switch and turn it on." Beaker: Mee, mee. Beaker flips the switch and turns on the tarantula and scorpion detector. Bunsen: "Observe and '''''watch what happens."'' The tarantula and scorpion detector detects a tarantula and a scorpion, which almost attack Beaker easily. Beaker: And Meeps In Alarm Bunsen: "Oh, Beaker, you didn't see them coming right towards you." Bunsen: "Well that's all the time we have for tonight, so join us next time at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again..... Waldorf: "I was once on a nature hike and I saw a scorpion and a tarantula." Statler: "Aren't they usually located in the desert area?" Waldorf: "Some of them, but mostly in the forest area!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit onstage again....... Kermit: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, good friends of all ages, it's time for the closing musical number." Closing Musical Number: Bohemian Rhapsody (the new and improved version) Rowlf: On Piano Keys Gonzo: ''Mama'' ''Rowlf broke the vase'' ''carried it across the room'' ''then he tripped on Granny's broom'' Rowlf: ''Mama'' ''life had just begun'' ''but now I went and thrown it all away'' Fozzie: ''Mama'' ''whooooooooaaaa'' ''Rowlf just broke the vase'' Rowlf: ''I'm not gonna die'' ''I just wish I wasn't hear at all'' Scooter: ''carry on'' ''carry on'' ''as if nothing really matters'' Speeds Up Pepe: ''I see a little silhouetto of a dog'' ''scaramouche, scaramouche'' ''won't you do the fandango?'' Singing Food: ''thunderbolt and lightning'' ''very, very frightening'' Beaker: ''mee'' Beauregard: ''Galileo'' Beaker: ''mee, mee, mee, mee'' Beauregard: ''Galileo'' ''Figaro'' Fozzie: ''magnifico-o-o-o-o'' Rowlf: ''I'm just a poor dog'' ''nobody loves me'' Bobo: ''he's just a poor dog '' ''from a poor family'' ''spare him his life'' ''from this monstrosity'' Fozzie: ''easy come, easy go'' ''can you let me go?'' Mahna-Mahna: ''Mahna, Mahna'' Uncle Deadly: ''we can't let you go'' Gonzo: ''let me go'' Johnny: ''we can't let you go'' Scooter: ''let me go'' Clifford: ''we can't let you go'' Bean: ''let me go'' Rizzo: ''no, no, no, no, no'' George: ''oh mama mia'' ''mama mia'' Marvin Suggs: ''mama mia'' ''let me go'' Lew Zealand: ''does anybody keep '' ''the demon set aside to me?'' ''to me? '' ''to'' Beaker: ''meeeeeeeee'' And Roll Music In Background Dr. Teeth: ''so they tell me this show is gonna fly'' ''all I know is we're not gettin' paid tonight'' Floyd and Janice: ''oh baby'' ''can't do this to me baby'' just gotta get out just gotta get right outta here Continues Slowing Down Camilla and Chickens: [Clucking ''Oh yeah, oh yeah''] Scooter: ''nothing really matters'' Rowlf: ''anyone can see'' Scooter: ''nothing really matters'' Rowlf: ''nothing really matters to me'' Robin: ''Rowlf just broke the va-ase''. Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once again........ Waldorf: "So, Statler, did you get that Bohemian Rhapsody thing?" Statler: "I sure did, Waldorf, I even watched the other version of it on YouTube.com." Waldorf: "Well, technically, ''so''' did I!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Scene 2: Back onstage/welcoming the Guest Star Kermit: Thank you, everybody, you were such a wonderful audience tonight, but right before we go, let's give a nice warm round of applause for Miss (Guest Star's Name), yaaaaaay!" The Guest Star arrives out onstage. Guest Star: "Thanks a bunch, you guys, it's been wonderful bein' on the show with all of you this evenin'." Kermit: "You're welcome, (Guest Star's 1st Name)." Robin: "Well at least Samson's not flying around outta his cage." Kermit: "Thank goodness, but we'll see you next time on ''The All-New Muppet Show." Category:The All-New Muppet Show season 1 transcripts